Sports Faux Pas(es)

Be a real man, man.

Alexander Manly. Truly a Man's Man.

There are certain immutable rules of true manly behaviour. Every lad should be taught these rules as, well, a lad. There is something wrong with sports, and the world, that there are so many flagrant violations of man decorum.  Let us proceed.

The eyes of Texas are upon you.

Violation 1: Being a fan of a school you didn’t go to. This in my mind is perhaps the worst sports faux pas a person can make. You have absolutely no right to adopt a school for sports purposes. This applies to  83% of Texas Longhorn fans. I joke, I joke! Not really. Be a real man and stick to your Coogs. It matters not if your parents or your cousin or someone you knew from 3rd grade who has accepted your Facebook friend request (what we in the biz call a “pity acceptance”) went to said school. It doesn’t matter if the team is great in EA Sports games or if their unis are “off the chain” or if your favorite pro came from that school. Unless you’ve given a school money (and money for beer from the concession stand does not count ), you cannot in good conscious claim the school. This leads to the one natural exception – if you sent your kid to the school, you can claim it. Otherwise, you’re in violation.

I must protect this office building!

Violation 2: Wearing Under Armour if you’re over 12. File this under the “it might have been permissible 4 years ago” category. The violation might also be called “Wearing Under Armour While Caucasian”. Let’s set the record straight – you do not Protect This House. You bench 165. You are not a finely sculpted machine. You probably wear a loose-fitting t-shirt over your compression shirt to hid the spare tire. Stick to the Russell dry-fit shits from Target. Here is some insider information that might be of benefit: the guys that look chiseled with Under Armour on? They look chiseled no matter what. It’s like the hip hugger jeans craze that all girls bought into 8 years ago. Several models started wearing hip huggers and then everyone else did without realizing that if one isn’t ridiculously skinny then one ends up looking like this.  That’s how most of us normal folk look in tight-fitting gear. If you’re under 12, live the dream and wear you some Under Armour. The rest of you – don’t be that guy. Please note that Tapout and Affliction gear is entering this dangerous territory and might be even mo’ worser.

I heard your wife is preggers. So...when are the burgers going to be ready??

Violation 3 : Pretending to make small talk while you’re really just waiting for the meat to come off the grill at a tailgate. That isn’t some sort of euphemism. We all know vultures who hang around the grill to be the first to mooch the brisket that someone spent all night preparing. Everyone might glance at the grill from time to time, but there is one dude who is always eying it and attempting to make small talk and you can tell he’s not really listening to what you are saying. He just magically happens to be at the start of the line when the line forms, and he’s always talking up whoever is cooking even though he’d never talk to him if they saw each other out at a bar. He also might be my lawyer.

I'm going to dunk on youz! And then not get back on D.

Violation 4: Having as your favorite player someone with incredible athleticism and no heart. This might also be called the “Fans of Stromile Swift Club”. Throw Darius Miles, Joey Graham, Hakim Warrick, and Gerald Green into the mix as well. Casual fans often gravitate to the guy who throws down a few Sportscenter dunks per game but leads the league in categories like “missed block outs”. If you ever talk to someone and their answer to why they love a certain player is that he “dunks on foolz”, just walk away. There is a fundamental difference between knowing sports and knowing SportsCenter.

The ladies love my side tats.

Violation 5: Having a white player as your guy in any sport other than hockey, which isn’t a real sport. Except for a few peak years of Steve Nash, there is absolutely no excuse for this one. There were some people who loved them some Bryce Drew/Matt Maloney back in the day. You know who you are.  There might be anargument to be made about relatability of the player, thereby justifying white people loving white players, but it isn’t cool if J.J. Reddick is your guy. Like with many of these categories, offenses that are excusable as a youth are no longer so as an adult. Most euro players count as white under this category.

Violation 6: Exercising Whilst Shirtless. There really isn’t much to say here.

Photos from here, here, here, here, here, here, and here.